Teacher of Risqué Jokes

Chapter Title: 080 The Teacher of Risqué Tales

In the small kitchen at the back yard, Fang Rulai was intensely focused on eating braised pork, while Zhu Xishi was equally focused on watching her.

After eating until she was half full, Fang Rulai finally felt that if she didn’t say something soon, Zhu Xishi’s gaze would pierce her to pieces.

“All right, stop staring. If you have something to say, just say it.”

“That person is the Guan Erhu you kept muttering about all the way to Pingcheng, isn’t he? Didn’t you say he ruined your peaceful life, that you’d hit him every time you saw him, that you wished he’d never show up again? But who was that passionate, fiery person just now, hands all over, kissing and biting? Tsk tsk, I can almost foresee that if we don’t cough soon, your next step would be stripping him naked and rolling straight into bed!”

Zhu Xishi, who had been holding back a bellyful of words, and who had recently been influenced by Mu Mama’s quick-talking, immediately let it all out in a crisp and clean rush when given permission.

“Cough, cough, cough.” Fang Rulai choked on a piece of braised pork, nearly losing her breath.

The impact of this quick-talking truly was formidable.

One of the clever maids who had been hovering by the kitchen door slipped inside to offer a cup of tea. Fang Rulai took it without looking, drained it in one gulp, and said, “Thank you.”

The maid retreated quietly, and as she stepped outside, a gold ingot worth ten taels appeared before her eyes. She accepted it happily, about to kneel and thank for the reward, but Guanshiyin stopped her with a glance. Women’s heart-to-hearts, he thought, are always about men or lovers. Unfortunately, he happened to be both, so Guanshiyin gave a sly smile and shrank his tall frame back into the crowd gathered under the windowsill.

He reached out and poked Mu Mama, who was already poised for action, signaling with his eyes to make a little space for those who enjoyed eavesdropping. Mu Mama shifted her seat slightly, reluctantly making room, but still claimed the best vantage point. Women’s heart-to-hearts, she mused, were always about men or lovers. Which role would her son play today?

Inside, Fang Rulai’s voice rang out dry and awkward, even making her own scalp tingle, “Uh, well... hands all over, kissing and... that sort of thing, he, I, not... Anyway, we won’t be rolling into bed, that’s for sure!”

For the first time in her life, Fang Rulai couldn’t explain herself, and Zhu Xishi rolled her eyes so hard it nearly flipped the roof.

“You think I’m some naive maiden who’s never been married?!”

Guanshiyin nodded in agreement beneath the windowsill: You think I’m some fool who’s eaten pork but doesn’t know how pigs run? No rolling into bed? If she’s covering his head with the quilt, what else could it mean?

“Just look at how bold you were just now. I just didn’t want to call you out. Tell me, when did you get so skilled? All those angles and positions, tsk tsk, did you practice these moves while living in seclusion at Fahua Temple?”

Guanshiyin narrowed his eyes, smile fading. If she dared practice those moves with anyone else, he’d deal with them accordingly—one practiced, one chopped, two practiced, two chopped.

Fang Rulai nearly spat out her braised pork; all the monks at Fahua Temple were younger than her, even if she wanted to practice, she couldn’t ruin those budding flowers.

As she coughed in embarrassment, she accidentally glanced out the window and caught sight of Mu Zhijin approaching.

Fang Rulai sat up straight and blocked Zhu Xishi’s view of the window, “Hey, something’s not right! From the way you talk, you must have studied what it means to be bold after marriage quite thoroughly.”

“Of course, back when your sister’s spring feelings first stirred, you weren’t even around yet!” Zhu Xishi finally seized the chance to flaunt her age advantage before Fang Rulai, raising her chin proudly. “Back then, my mother died early, and I spent my days dressed as a tomboy among men, either slaughtering pigs or selling pork. You can imagine what men talk about in their spare time—comparing whose woman is bolder, whose woman is more extraordinary!”

The maids outside the window all gasped.

Mu Mama looked around disdainfully, “Tsk, no self-control, the young ones can’t handle anything! Too shy to listen—whoever marries them is doomed. My daughter-in-law is different, though. Listening to this, hehe, I won’t have to worry about her and my son’s conjugal life after marriage.”

Guanshiyin, intrigued, raised an eyebrow and looked at Mu Zhijin, who had suddenly stopped three steps away.

Fang Rulai’s eyes sparkled, feigning humility, “So, whose woman is bolder? Whose is most extraordinary?”

At her words, it seemed the very breathing around them stopped.

There was a strange excitement—a mix of embarrassment, tension, and anticipation—like the thrill before telling a risqué tale.

Feeling encouraged, Zhu Xishi suddenly gained a sense of mission to educate the younger ones, “All right, today your sister will broaden your innocent horizons.”

The gasping outside grew louder. Fang Rulai guessed everyone was pressing closer to the wall to hear, too shy to come forward.

“Being bold is a kind of temperament, an attitude—a third essential daily skill women must learn after marriage, just like cooking and sewing.”

A loud thud sounded as someone crashed into the wall.

Zhu Xishi instinctively glanced over to see what happened, but Fang Rulai hurriedly pulled her back. “Enough with the moralizing, if you’re so skilled, show us the real thing!”

“Remember Li Laizi, the Pig-Slaughter King of East Street in Shengjing?” Zhu Xishi’s tone grew meaningful, about to deliver the real goods.

Fang Rulai grinned mischievously, glanced outside, and added, “You mean the one who learned pig-slaughtering from your father, always called himself your senior, proposed to you several times, and even after you became a widow, kept pestering your father to marry you again?”

“Hehe, that’s him! Wait, how did you know so much? Never mind, not the time to pursue it.” Zhu Xishi grabbed Fang Rulai’s tea bowl and drank it dry, then continued, “That Li Laizi, with his powerful muscles, always shirtless in summer and only wearing an extra shirt in winter, once boasted drunkenly that his wife was so bold he could only slaughter one pig a day—any more and he wouldn’t have the strength for the night.”

“Wow, that intense? How did she manage it?”

“Technique, of course! Unlike you, who just bites left and right with no skill, enjoying yourself but hurting others. Tsk tsk, aren’t you afraid you’ll bite someone to pieces?”

Outside, someone couldn’t help but stifle a short groan, and Fang Rulai blushed, quickly steering the conversation back. “Seriously, how did she make the Pig-Slaughter King only strong enough for one pig a day? Tell me the details!”

Zhu Xishi slapped the table, “Listen up, what comes next is a secret technique passed down through generations!”

After everyone drew a breath, the air grew so silent that even breathing was barely audible.

“Because you might have to battle all night, foreplay must be slow and lingering, yet tantalizing enough to ignite desire. In short, you need to stir up a fire that burns all night, but conserve your own energy for the crucial moments.”

Fang Rulai nodded vigorously, yes, it sounded logical—was this just empty theory learned from others, or wisdom gained through practice?

“Let’s start with kissing. In summary, the four words: lick, suck, bite, entwine. Licking is—” Zhu Xishi picked up a piece of braised pork with her chopsticks and held it to Fang Rulai’s lips, “—using your tongue tip, like you’re savoring delicious braised pork, gently lick the other’s upper and lower lips. Remember, use only your tongue tip, because your whole tongue will be needed later, and using it too soon will leave you spent.”

Fang Rulai instinctively followed her instructions, then swallowed the pork.

Zhu Xishi slapped her, “It’s not time to swallow yet, do you want to learn or not?”

“Yes, yes!” Fang Rulai quickly picked up another piece of braised pork, then placed one end of her chopsticks in Zhu Xishi’s hand. “Go on, go on.”

Zhu Xishi glared at her, “You really need to learn. You looked like a puppy, gnawing and biting—so unsightly! Listen up! After licking, you’ll feel a craving stirred—that’s when ‘suck’ comes in.”

Zhu Xishi held the braised pork to Fang Rulai’s lips, signaling her to suck. “Yes, just like sucking the tender, fragrant juice—slowly, sincerely, curl your tongue, use only your lips, suck—Idiot! Who told you to suck it into your stomach?!”

Fang Rulai looked innocent, “Who told you to make the braised pork so delicious? I sucked and sucked, and it went right in. Can’t blame me.”

“You! Is this braised pork? It’s a man’s mouth, a man’s mouth! Would you suck a man’s lips into your stomach when kissing?” Zhu Xishi threw down her chopsticks, “I’m not in the mood, not teaching anymore.”

“Sis, sis, I was wrong, don’t be mad.” Fang Rulai pulled her back, picked up another piece of braised pork, and handed the end of the chopsticks to Zhu Xishi. “Next is the ‘bite’ technique, right? I’m good at that, tell me if there’s anything to improve.”

“Good at it, my foot!” Zhu Xishi remembered the scene that made her face stiff and couldn’t help cursing, “This ‘bite’ means gently closing your teeth and rubbing, not actually biting someone until they bleed!”

A clear, plaintive groan sounded from outside.

Fang Rulai’s breath caught for no reason, and she hurriedly pretended to urge, “Got it, got it. If I knew how, I wouldn’t ask you. Come on, give me the braised pork, teach me while you demonstrate.”

“No way, there’s only one piece left. If you keep biting while learning, you’ll finish it before I finish explaining.”

“Oh, what now?”

“I’ll demonstrate for you.”

Fang Rulai paused, then shrank back a bit, making room for the window before stopping. “Okay, go ahead.”

“Watch carefully. You need to gently close your teeth on the edge of the braised pork.” Zhu Xishi spoke as she placed the braised pork in her mouth, biting it with her teeth.

The vibrant sauce instantly spread across Zhu Xishi’s full lips.

Her lips were red, teeth white, tender and tempting—a sight to behold.

Fang Rulai shrank further, “That’s a man’s mouth now, a man’s mouth.”

“Mmm!” With the pork in her mouth, Zhu Xishi couldn’t speak, so she nodded vigorously to show Fang Rulai’s immersion was just right.

Fang Rulai encouraged her with a “please continue” smile, “Teacher Xishi can’t speak, so let’s show instead. How exactly do you bite? How gentle must it be to stir a man’s heart?”

Zhu Xishi rubbed her teeth back and forth several times, and the sauce seeped out again, yet didn’t drip. She shot Fang Rulai a glance—see, this is the strength, making someone feel something about to burst out, but unable to find an outlet.

Fang Rulai’s expression grew serious, showing she had learned, “At this point, should we close our eyes and look intoxicated to deepen the bite?”

Zhu Xishi’s eyes lit up, yes, a good student, able to extrapolate.

Let’s continue demonstrating. Fang Rulai gestured politely.

Zhu Xishi closed her eyes.

Fang Rulai quietly got up, “After biting comes ‘entwine,’ right? Now’s the time for the tongue?”

Zhu Xishi extended her tongue tip, wrapping it around the end of the chopsticks and the braised pork. The pork quivered, and the sauce slid down her lips, leaving a fragrant red mark on her pale chin.

Fang Rulai slipped to the door and quietly opened it, unsurprised to find only Mu Zhijin left beneath the window.

Mu Zhijin’s face was expressionless, but the unknown heat burning deep in his eyes did not escape Fang Rulai’s notice.

Their gazes clashed briefly.

Mu Zhijin: You should leave.

Fang Rulai: Why should I leave? Shouldn’t it be you, who has nothing to do with this?

You! Mu Zhijin’s brows creased in impatience, and he raised his hand to brush Fang Rulai aside.

But Fang Rulai spoke more quickly, “Mu Zhijin, why are you here?”

“Hey?” Zhu Xishi exclaimed in surprise, eyes wide.

Without the “entwine” move, the braised pork fell back into the bowl. The sauce splashed high, landing all over Zhu Xishi’s face.

The sauce seemed hot. Zhu Xishi couldn’t dodge in time, and as the first drops hit her face, she cried out in pain, “Hot!”

She reflexively lifted her arm to shield herself, but before her arm rose an inch, she fell into someone’s embrace. Her vision blurred, her body spun, and she was whisked away from the table with the soup bowl.

She stopped, and before her eyes bloomed sunflowers.

She looked up, and someone’s face was swooping down.

Thanks to dear readers: Chaoxin Lukuai and Manman for their encouragement with flowers. Compared to Qingye, who can only promise timely updates, your support is always so much more! Thank you so much~ muamua!

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